agnetahemma

Pga en jobbresa kommer här ett 3-pack Dagens Citat. Min favoritkrönikör Dave Barry har gjort en djupdykning i konsthistoria;

The Enormous Naked Women Phase
The reason this theme is so common in old paintings is that years ago

Europe was terrorized by packs of enormous naked women.  They would

stride into a town, munching on pears, and threaten to knock down the

cathedral if their portraits weren't painted immediately.  Eventually

they were driven off by a particularly harsh winter, but their

paintings are still popular today because they offer such a good value

in terms of square yards of painting per dollar.

                      -- Dave Barry

After the Mother and Child Phase came the Enormous Naked Women Eating

Fruit phase, which was followed by the Just Plain Fruit with No Women

of Any Kind Phase and the Famous Kings and Dukes Wearing Silly Outfits

Phase.  All of these phases were part of the Sharp and Clear School of

painting, which means that even though the subjects were boring, they

were at least recognizable.  The Sharp and Clear School ended with

Vincent Van Gogh, who invented the Fuzzy but Still Recognizable School

and cut off his ear.  This led to the No Longer Recognizable at All

School, and finally the Sharp and Clear Again but Mostly Just

Rectangles School, which is the school that is popular today, except

at shopping malls.

                      -- Dave Barry

Let's say you're looking at a painting of two large green rectangles.

If you say something like, "Those two large green rectangles are very

attractive," people will realize immediately that you do not

appreciate art.  What you want to say is: "Using the tension created

by the contrast in line, shape and tone, offset by the almost

deliberately simplistic linearity of hue, the artist subtly, yet

inevitably, leads the viewer to a greater awareness of the need for

more controls over the acquisition and use of our nation's mineral

resources, particularly zinc."  This particular sentence will work on

almost any brand of art except enormous naked women, who obviously

have nothing to do with zinc.

                      -- Dave Barry

Fåsenu - vad kan jag mer hitta på för att skjuta upp min planerade efter-jobbet-träning.....

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist

on coming along and trying to put things in it.

        -- Terry Pratchett, Diggers

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?

Gandhi:
I think it would be a good idea.

Den här killen samlar fula skivomslag som han sedan lägger ut på sin blogg, men det allra roligaste är hans analyser av bilderna - som den här t ex.

Bigmac wasn't an athlete. If there was an Olympic Sick Note event, he

would've won the 100 metres I've Got Asthma, the half marathon Lurk in the

Changing Rooms, and the freestyle Got to Go to the Doctor.

        -- Terry Pratchett ("Johnny and the Bomb")

Bigmac's brother was reliably believed to be in the job of moving video

recorders around in an informal way.

--Terry Pratchett ("Only You Can Save Mankind")

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she

lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always

getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to

the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their

sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things like: "Do

you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?

What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead

of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under

the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops

whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which

Lassie filed the applications for.

--Dave Barry

Personifierat av Jojje dubbelve;

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
-- Douglas Adams

*suck*

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it´s here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There´s another theory which states that this has already happened."

-Douglas Adams

Klockan är nu lunch och av de tiotal viktiga måste-göra-uppgifter jag har idag har inte en enda blivit påbörjad. Orsak: Möte!
Sammanträden har alltmer kommit att likna gisslansituationer, där 15 personer besvärat sitter och skruvar på sig och - med stigande desperation i ansiktsuttrycket - ser minuterna rinna iväg, vilket med automatik innebär en förlängning av arbetsdagen. Dave Barry säger det bäst;

Perhaps a better analogy would be to compare the modern corporate

meeting to a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people

who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere

else.  The major differences are that: (1) usually only one or two

people get to talk at a funeral; and (2) most funerals have a definite

purpose (to say nice things about a dead person) and reach a definite

conclusion (this person is put in the ground), whereas meetings

generally drone on until the legs of the highest-ranking person fall asleep.

                      -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way To The Top"

Om man håller på att få andningsuppehåll av uttråkning är det viktigt att ha några totalt jobb-orelaterade webb-adresser i bakfickan. En av dessa är I used to believe där man kan läsa vuxnas berättelser om hur de tolkade världen när de var små.

Den här gillade jag;

I used to believe that every day of the week had it´s own colour - Monday was yellow, Tuesday was lilac, Wednesday was dark green, Thursday pink, Friday orange, Saturday red and Sunday was blue. I never knew why until I got older and realised those were the colours used in our tv guide for every day of the week. Still to this day, whenever I make an appointment, I think of it in those colours.

In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Fråga: Varför är dessa listor bara roliga för icke-svenskar?

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN SWEDEN TOO LONG WHEN...........

1. The first thing you do upon entering a bank/post office/chemist etc. is to look for the queue number machine.

2. You accept that you will have to queue to take a queue number.

3. When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume:
a: he is drunk
b: he is insane
c: he's an American

4. Silence is fun.

5. The reason you take the ferry to Finland is:
a: duty free vodka
b: duty free beer
c: to party hearty...no need to get off the boat in Helsinki, just turn around and do it again on the way back to Sweden.

6. You pass a supermarket and think "Wow, it is open, I had better go in an buy something!"

7. You associate pea soup with Thursday.

8. The fact that all of the "v's" and the "w's" are together in the phone directory seems right.

9. Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay

10. Your front step is beginning to resemble a shoe shop.

11. You eat jam with savoury dishes

12. You've become lactose intolerant.

13. It no longer seems excessive to spend 1,000kr on alcohol in a single night

14. You think that riding a bicycle in the snow is a perfectly sensible thing to do.

15. You have conversations with people outside when it is -10C.

16. Having to book seat numbers at a cinema makes perfect sense. And you sit in your booked seat even if there are only 2 other people there and your seat is in the front row, on the side.


Svar: Vi hittar inte humorn i denna uppräkning av självklarheter!

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not colour, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

 - Jerry Seinfeld

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake

and threw her off the boat.  I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you

how to swim."

 - Paula Poundstone